13 Apr 09

Despite managing to keep my weight below 20 stone for the last two weeks, it’s now gone way above that level now. I only have two weeks before I have to report back to the doctor and I need to lose at least a stone by then. It’s just not going to happen. I think I’m going to have to use the fat pills that I’ve got and see what happens (probably something not very nice).

I’ve had a good Easter weekend. I got to feed and change Emily on Friday and became a godparent on Sunday. The service was a little longer than I would have liked, but it was Easter Sunday. I found it a little bizarre that the vicar threw holy water around. I agree with a friend of mine. It lacked solemnity. I don’t like that sort of behaviour in church. To me, church is a solemn and serious place and shouldn’t be taken lightly. At least, some of the holy water landed on me. Perhaps I’ll start getting some good luck now.

I did get a bit pissed off at the reception. One of our number took a rather embarrassing photo of me. Although I had a laugh at it with the rest of my table mates, I took exception to him then going around all the other tables and showing it to all and sundry, laughing like a hyena. That made me feel rather embarrassed and small. Now, I found that it’s up on Facebook. Not happy. I saw myself in other photos too. I look so old! I’m 40 this year and I didn’t think it would really be that much of a deal, but I’m beginning to find that it’s bothering me.

Work continues. I wish their admin was a little more straightforward. The travel and expsenses form is so complicated. I’ve already had to re-do it several times. I’m not particularly happy about the way I have to submit them either. The people I have to submit it to are in Maidstone, whereas I work in Medway. I asked for where to send it and all I got back was that they’ll pick it up sometime. Since I’ve been there, I’ve amassed quite a bit of business mileage and nearly £30 car parking. I hope they pay it. I couldn’t get a receipt for the car park I was in, as the ticket machine doesn’t print them out.

I often worry at work. Not about work itself, but about Heather. I’ve always liked to be in easy reach of her, especially after last year’s problems. When I worked in Larkfield, I was only 5 minutes away from the motorway. Now, I’m at least 15 minutes away from the closest motorway with a much longer journey ahead of me. The other day, I found myself getting rather upset thinking about her time in hospital last year. I thought back to the time when she had just gone into Kingston Ward when she couldn’t speak all that much and she couldn’t do much for herself. Thank God she is better now. She is still dealing with some emotional issues, but she’ll get there with help.

But sometimes, I feel like I’m letting her down. I now earn £15,000 a year less than I did a year ago and I often worry that I’m not going to be able to provide her with the life that she deserves. I still feel as if life has gone back eight years and I want those years back. I don’t want to go through life struggling to pay the basic bills, let alone not having enough to give us a holiday once a year or enough to buy a new bed. I spent a long time in that situation and worked hard to earn enough to improve our lives, often making many sacrifices to make it happen. Then redundancy changed all that. I only want the best for her, for us both. Sometimes I think that maybe I need a little counselling myself. Heather went through a lot last year, but so did I and a lot of it, I’ve had to deal with myself. I often find myself getting angry about the smallest of things, but I think this anger is drawn from these underlying issues. I’m not sure what to do.

But I refuse to sit down and let all this get the better of me. Damn it, I’m better than that!!! I just wish I wasn’t so tired all the time. I want the energy to achieve all these life goals we have. That is why it’s so important that I lose all this excess weight that I’ve been carrying around for 20 years, so we can enjoy the life we’ve been given.

Onward and upward.